Blogging is new to me, and perhaps the material in Disentangle, When You’ve Lost Your Self in Someone Else, is new to you. So here we are all learning new things. And even if you are familiar with Disentangle, my hope is that my blog entries will help to remind you of ideas you have learned and/or help you to work with material in a deeper way.

As I was thinking about a blog entry the other day, it came to me that I want to highlight the definition I offer of disentangling as I start the book. Quoting from the very first page, I say:

Disentangle:  To find your self when you are lost in someone else.  To create enough emotional space between your self and another person so you are better able to see the realities of your situation and make healthier decisions about it.  To not necessarily leave/divorce/end a relationship but rather create enough space and establish a stronger self so you can then decide what to do about the relationship in which you are entangled.

Disentangle is about learning ways to create emotional distance between you and someone else so you can think, figure out what you want to say and/or do relative to that relationship, and then assert your self in a non-reactive way. This book is not necessarily about untangling and leaving. It is not about becoming selfish and abandoning others. It is simply about learning to attend to our self to at least the same degree to which we are attending to others. In the doing of this, we are surely en route to a stronger and better-defined self.

Imagine that!

Disentangle, When You’ve Lost Your Self in Someone Else began in the mid-1990’s as a list I wrote for a client who had asked me how one goes about getting healthy emotional distance from someone else. The book evolved from the list and from personal and clinical work I was doing in those years. For the first decade of 2000 I used self-publishing as my means of selling Disentangle with excellent regional success. In 2009 I was blessed with learning about Central Recovery Press and have, as you can see, established a professional relationship with them now. They are my publisher. They are now helping the world to have access to Disentangle. This is a truly wonderful opportunity for me and my book and I hope for you, the reader, as well.

And now the pressure is on. Or is it? What pressure am I speaking of here? Well the standard pressure is to be amazing and popular and sell books. This pressure is easy and natural to feel if I am not mindful of the very work I write about in Disentangle. When I apply the ideas I write about in my book I remember to settle my self, listen to my self, and find the path to sales and marketing that way.

You see, working with the loss of our self in someone else involves understanding the difference between seeing things externally vs. internally. Often our loss of self is because we are so focused outside of our self: What do they think? What do they want? How can I get their attention? How can I get them to like me? to be interested in me? Granted, in sales and marketing there is a place for such questions, but these can not be my only guiding lights.

I need to shift from external to internal: What do I have to say? What am I feeling and thinking? What can I offer to our conversation now that is true for me? I can not really know what will get your attention, what will get you to buy and read my book.

When I was walking the dogs the other morning and trying to think of clever and catchy things to say as I begin this blog – which I have never done before – I realized I was operating externally. And operating externally really does not help me to know what to say and definitely sets me up to be entangled with the outcome of what I do or don’t get from my external efforts to attract, please, and amaze.

So from my very internal self I will say that this new, expanded life for me with Disentangle is very exciting and really a dream-come-true. I am thrilled that Central Recovery Press is my publisher, that they so clearly understand and believe in the importance of what Disentangle is about, and that I can now offer this useful material to you. I am also intimidated and overwhelmed by what may happen as I am extending my self with the book, and at the same time, I remember that I can always anchor my self back in my self and find my way. I can listen to what is true for me and proceed from there. I am so grateful to know this and, when I am in good form, to live this.