Thanks to those of you who have been talking with me about your experiences with the word and concept of codependence. As you know, I am writing another book on this topic and invited such talks through my last blog.

I have heard from people in person, by email, and by blog comment. So far, the responses tell me that the word and meaning of codependence are useful to you and that you don’t mind the word, are not “ashamed” of it. Several responses tell me that understanding the meaning of codependence helped individuals to make sense out of their behaviors and life in a way that they had never been able to do before.

So I want to keep on talking about this.

Today I am narrowing our focus to the question of what you think codependence means. I would like to hear from you whether you are a person recovering from codependence or a person who has heard the word and has only a general idea of what it is supposed to mean or a person who has stayed away from anything that has to do with codependence.

Last blog I mentioned that I think of it as loss of self in someone else. Others responding to my blog stated that their codependence came from never having had a self at all. I believe both of these can be the case.

What do you think codependence means?

I am writing on a second book, as you likely know. It, too, is about codependence with new views and thoughts about it gleaned from the past 20 years of my personal and professional work. I have had the book in mind for a number of years, and it is quite wonderful to be so fully into this project now.

As part of that this work, I have been looking at both self-help resources as well as academic writings on this topic. Most are supportive and knowledgeable about codependence and the importance of our understanding it better and knowing how to help those who want help with it.

And as I am doing this work, I realized that I would like to invite you to send me your comments through this blog about your understanding of, feelings about, experiences with codependence. I like to think of codependence as loss of self in someone else. Please let me know how you think of it, how you experience it.

My preferred mode is conversation not lecture or monologue. Sometimes I have trouble with blogging, because it is not as conversational as I like. I am a therapist. I work through conversations. When I teach in workshops, I talk and then encourage discussion and sharing. I believe this is a great way to move into greater understanding and growth.

I hope to hear from you.

Book Exposition of America, 2011

Lucky Me

I’m back again to blogging. I have been away with many things both personal and professional. My tweets have attempted to keep you updated on some of what’s been going on for me, but its time to really jot you more than a line.

Today I pick telling you a bit more about being at the Book Exposition of America (BEA) in New York City, NY, USA. You have probably already seen some of the photos from this incredible book event at http://www.facebook.com/Disentangle. When I was invited to come to BEA by my press, Central Recovery Press, I had no idea what to expect. Here’s some of what I found:

Without really knowing what business was being conducted at BEA, I have been informally describing it as the stock exchange of book publishers, distributors, and sellers. The Javits Center in NYC where the Expo was held is enormous. Hundreds of book publishers were there, some with exhibits that qualified as small book stores. Nearly everywhere were people gathered in small groups actively exchanging information and doing their book jobs – networking, promoting, educating, and selling.

Many of us authors were invited by our publishers to come to autograph copies of our books and give them away. This was happening all over the Expo. A catalog listed all the autographing opportunities – hundreds of them – and I was lucky enough to not only get some free, autographed books but to also be an author signing and giving away my book.

It was a wonderful experience to meet the people who came to get signed copies of Disentangle. They represented what seemed to me to be very varied professional backgrounds, including librarians, therapists, other authors, radio interviewers, and who knows what else.

What I also noticed about these people was that regardless of the professional work that brought them to my booth, most of them seemed to have intentionally selected getting a copy of Disentangle because of the title/topic itself. How encouraging to hear people say: “I need to read this right away.” “No, this book is not for my job. It’s for me.” “This is the perfect time for this book to come out.” “What do you mean you are out of books? I came to your booth especially to get this book. Will you send me one?”

Now I am not really into self-promotion, so telling you all of this makes me a bit self-conscious. But as I write, I realize that what I am also really saying to me and to you is that this is an important topic for us to talk about and work with. We are not alone in our tangles and desires to have more serenity. Strangers-to-me are wanting to openly join in these conversations and work that helps us to not lose our self.

In Disentangle I have an essay entitled Don’t Go This Alone. I am pleased to say that many of us are not alone in our work. We are meeting and reading and conversing and understanding new things together at local, regional, and, now I can say, national levels.

A true cause for gratitude and celebration!

6.     What can a mother do to prevent getting too entangled in her children’s lives?

A mother can help her self to not become too entangled in her child’s life if she is able to keep in mind these circles that I speak of representing the child and her self. Healthy development overall involves each person’s circle growing strong and clear and being able then to interact with others in ways that respect both the other person and our self.

Much of what I have spoken of above is about helping to foster the development of the child’s individual self. Being aware that that is part of our task as a mother over the lifetime of the mother-child relationships can help to reduce entanglements which can come from not acknowledging that the mother and child are, in fact, separate and different people.
 
And preventing entanglements is helped equally by us mothers remembering to foster our own self-development as we are raising our children. Even when the child is very young and very dependent on us, how can we get a little time for our self? How can we pause and listen to our self and find out what we need for us? How can we assert our needs to others who may need to help us? Losing our self in our mothering is ultimately no help to any of us

And as our child gets older and our circles are sliding further apart, there is even more space in our circle of self for our own strengthening and growth. As you move into this new, open, and perhaps empty space, know that your learning to listen and respond to your self, creating your own life, is one of the best things you can do to keep your relationship with your growing child well and strong.

5.     What should a grown child do when Mom is too entangled in their life?

The words love and limits comes to my mind here. When a grown child is feeling that their mother is too involved in their life – whether that be physically, emotionally, or financially, for example – that grown child will be helped by explaining to their mother the ways the mother can and can not be helpful to them now.
This is really what we call setting boundaries. Those boundaries can include stating what they do not want as well as what they do want from the mother: “You are welcome to come by and visit us on Wednesday nights, but please do not clean my house while you are here. I want to visit with you. Thank you for your help, but I want to take care of the house in my own time and way.”

4.     How does “too much mothering” impact a child?

The above list in Part 5 gives us a glimpse of the effects on the mother when bonding may be getting too tight and an entanglement is developing.

For the child, our over-functioning on their behalf can create a wide variety of responses from them including:

-           A belief that they are not capable of doing things on their own.

-          A belief that who they are as a person is not okay.

-          A dependency on the mother that keeps them from growing into a healthy, individuated person capable of school, work, and independent living.

-          Angry conflicts that results in the child distancing them self.

-          Worry and guilt as the child separates despite messages that they should not.

-          Not getting to learn from the natural consequences of their actions.

3.     What are some warning signs that the bonding has become entanglement?

Entanglements have to be identified by the individual(s) within a relationship. Each relationship has its own levels of separateness and closeness that can work for the individuals in that relationship. With that said, we may be becoming entangled with our child if we:

-          Are very preoccupied with them.

-          Are constantly dropping things we need to do, places to be, opportunities of our own to help or manage them.

-          Protecting them from the natural consequences of their actions.

-          Driving them away by our controllingness.

-          Are feeling extra depressed or anxious because of our relationship with them.

-          Feel over-powered by the relationship.

-          Feel afraid in the relationship.

-          Are unable to listen to and respond to our self in the relationship.

-          Have no time for self.

-          Think about them all the time and wonder/worry what they are doing.

-          Have no idea what to do when our child is not available to us.